Mike got the phone call from his parents that we have been dreading - his grandad passed away this morning. He had been battling Parkinson's for many years, but this past year has been especially rough. In May, when Mike and I just arrived in England, he had a pulmonary embolism (a large blood clot in the pulmonary artery that causes blood flow into the lungs to vastly decrease, thereby causing a large decrease in the oxygenation of the blood and subsequent decreased perfusion to the organs), from which he slowly subsequently recovered...but he hasn't been able to return to his prior state of function, due to his progressing Parkinson's, which became refractory to medication (his body had built up a tolerance to the drugs which had helped him to function well for so many years). In the last few months, he has had a hard time with more of his motor function, to the point of affecting his ability to swallow, and he had a gastric-tube placed into his stomach. All the while, Mike has been here in the states, wanting to return home to be with his beloved grandad one last time. We had hoped that the green card would be approved before this, but life never happens as you plan...we are working to get an emergent approval for travel outside of the US so that Mike may return home for the funeral. Mike and his grandad were so close...words can't express how deeply he will be missed...
I do apologize if that explanation sounds a bit...brash?...but I have found that I detach myself from the personal side and describe things a bit more objectively since I have starting working in medicine. It makes the pain of losing someone sting a little less. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not...
It is at times like these when I am annoyed with med school. I want to be there for Mike, I want to speak with him about all of the wonderful memories he has of his grandad, I want to be there with him at the funeral, I want to support him in the way that he has always supported me...but I cannot. My exam is tomorrow, so I couldn't spend the time with him that he deserves today. And if he goes home for the funeral, I can't come with him, as I could never get a week off of work, no matter how important of an excuse I may have. I want to be there for him, I want to make things better, but all I can do is my work. It is such a conflict; I am at least thankful that he understands that I would love to be there for him but I cannot. I might not be so forgiving of myself...I don't like the idea that medical school and my profession might harm our relationship, or put huge strains into our life. I can be deprived, I can make sacrifices for myself...I am okay with that...but I hate the idea that the sacrifices I have to make hurts my ability to be as good to him as he is to me.
Fingers crossed for quick approval for Mike to travel home to be with his family...
Marley always has a way of making us feel better...
Marley hugs:
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