So we're finally approaching the end of the psych rotation. It's been an experience like nothing I had expected. In my undergraduate years, I took many courses on psychology; there was actually a point in time when I considered it as a career, and I, in fact, did a childhood and adolescent psych elective during my first year as a medical student. The idea of helping people that are truly sick - people who are misunderstood, people who are the underdogs, people who have been given a truly bad hand in life - just the thought of being in such a noble profession excited me. It's the final frontier, the last subject we might ever understand in medicine, and research is becoming more and more involved and definitive in this field than ever before. We can embrace our differences while cultivating a society which grows from one another's strengths and weaknesses, and allow each individual to perform to the best of their abilities. It's exciting, it's universal, it's truly human.
But I do tend to be a tad bit idealistic at the best of times. My first day on psych, I knew that all of the ideas I had in my head would never be present in reality. I've seen horrible lives, people who have been beaten down and snowed under with the things that life has thrown their way. Some bounce back, but no one is left unchanged by the horrors that life unfortunately sometimes brings. And the most troubling part is that there is so little which we can offer. Sure, we can help them to feel better and understand themselves better and to accept the past and to move on to the future, but we cannot take away some of the absolutely nightmarish events which transpired throughout their existence. In essence, they are forever broken, despite our best efforts to piece them back together. To me, this is incredibly disheartening. I'm devastated for the patients, and I honestly can't understand how some people can grow up and experience such atrocities, how every day people in our society can do such monstrous things especially to those they are supposed to nurture and love.
While being faced with such a stark reality, I have undoubtedly realized that the world can be a cruel place. And to witness people who have suffered to the extent that some people have suffered fills my heart with discontent, hopelessness in humanity, and bewilderment at human nature. I simply cannot comprehend it. All I know is that I hear the patient pour out his life story while I sit and wonder how anyone on this beautiful earth could have been through such horrifying experiences. To be clear, not all patients have been through vividly traumatic experiences. They all do, however, share a common theme - a disconnect between human relationship, a fault in human interaction. And it makes me feel so incredibly sad.
This experience has been full of enlightenment, however dark some of it may be. I have discovered that I over-sympathize with people. I have always known that I have a lot of emotions, that I can feel for others in a very, possibly overly, empathetic way. Never before has this trait caused me much alarm; I have, rather, embraced this quality and considered it a treasure, as it allows me to help my patients more by increasing my desire to do good for them. On this rotation, however, I have found that it suffocates me. I can't get past sympathizing with their stories, and identifying with their struggles in at least a minor form. So, I leave for home at the end of the day with a heavy heart, full of sadness and distrust in the goodness of the world. These feelings don't help any one, not the patient, not the resident, not the family, and certainly not me. Which is why I really can't enjoy psych. I love to see the patients get better, and I am filled with a sense of satisfaction when a patient is stable and discharged out of the hospital and on his way to a hopeful future. But I don't like to be reminded of the horrors of life on such a regular basis.
I am incredibly thankful for those who have the rare gift and strength to care for those who are mentally ill on a daily basis without ever losing hope in the goodness of the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment